Look away!

Photos of the accident. You'll see why there is no way this guy hit me with 15-20mph of force. Also sort of funny, the accident color scheme matches by blog. white and red, haha

This is me, distraught over my terrible loss.

Joel and his brother, who were riding with Adam (camera man) following me when the accident took place. (The guy had to cross in front of Adam's car to hit me. odd eh?)

Notice how i have completely crumpled in on the right. See that large metal assembly sticking out on the right? Its my inner bumper. He hit me so hard, it tore loose, went through my wheel and wheel well, and hit my drivetrain. Half is out of the car, the other half is inside.

Now, look at my dash. see the equipment still wired to it? Well, thats the factory installed center console and head unit, which are notoriously difficult to remove. Well, he removed them. Into the passenger seat.

This is about 50% shorter than it should be.

Look carefully at his van. Notice where my red paint is. He hit me with the last six inches of his drivers side. now, how does the last 10% of your front end destroy more than 30% of my rear? hmmm...

Again, note the paint.

bye bye car

Long story short,

I got hit by a parapalegic in a white van while merging onto 283 east. My grand am is totaled. Photos soon.

Fault is not yet determined. He was speeding, and thus i misjudged my ability to merge in time. he tried to correct for my moving into his lane, and hit my passenger side rear bumper. The impact was strong enough to rip my head unit and center console dash assembly from the factory securing and put it into the passenger footwell and seat. I was going 45 when he hit me, and theres no way a 20mph impact could have done that to my car. he had to be going at least 70, probably 75. My wheel well was filled with my bumper, and my tire shreded. The entire right hand side of my trunk was imploded.

fucking stupid situation.

I better get the KBB value for my car, which is listed as $1,430.

AUGH!

I am confused. I'm annoyed. I'm unsure. I don't know what to do, or what i should do, or anything...

I'm just not happy. yeah yeah, everyone posts thier angsty "my life is a black pit" shit, and blah blah blah...

I just feel like shite lately and i happen to stick it in here.

I ache when i think about saying goodbye to everyone and leaving for canada or pitt, but sometimes it seems like the right thing to do.

I just don't know if i'm waiting around for something in vain.

Another day in the life

So, here i sit, yet another day to go and do... what i've been doing.

Here is my basic schedule, which changes here and there.

4:40pm - wake up
5:00pm - go to work
11:30pm - leave work, shower, etc
12:00 midnight - Head to diner
4:00am - head home
7:00am - Go to sleep

sometimes i get to the diner early, sometimes late. but its what i do. Sketch, meet folks, drink coffee. It always starts with me sitting by myself in a booth, smoking a cigarette, and ends with me at a table with several other people talking about bullshit.

Sometimes, i just sit.

and now, off i go to shower.


oh, and i bought myself an ace of spades sticker, with a 50s pinup girl on it. I named her jane and stuck her on the dashboard. heh.

...

This fucking sucks.

Clear!

Today, around 8:30am, my new glock gets put through its paces. Brandon found a sweet little abandoned one story ranch, and its scheduled for demololition. Thus, we can run around inside and have the first real airsoft skirmish of the season.

Kickass.

He'll be sporting my Smith and Wesson Sigma model 40, 360fps, 39 round clip
I'll be sprting my Glock 18c Autopistol, 310fps, 23 round clip.

He will be using 23 rounds as well, to keep things fair.

This time, my full auto probably won't be used, as that 23 rounds goes off in about 2 seconds (literally) on full auto. Thus, its not practical. So until i have the 50 round clip, i'll be on semi auto.

Ah, what fun, what fun.

Lets just hope my $130 airsoft gun doesn't get confiscated by the police. heh.

Last ditch

Well, i talked to her last night. I tried to lay things out as i saw them, and she can take it or leave it.

I don't believe that any mistake defines a person. I also know that this month in my life will shape who i am, it does not show who i am. Is it worth throwing away more than a year of progress, a year of good things, a year of memories, and many years to come of equally fruitful friendship, because of the sting of pain?

Some would say, its easy for me to suggest this seeing in as how i am the bad guy here. But you know, i've been hurt too. So have you. And we've all hurt other people. You know what i've learned? Theres never a good reason to throw away a friendship. Never. The world turns, time goes on. In months, maybe a year, this all will fade. People change. the mistakes of a turbulent young life do not define the person they will become.

My father is the person i respect most in the world, the most wise and compassionate man i know. If you looked at his past closely however, you'd not see the same man who stands here today.

I do not compare myself to him, as no one comes close to his calibre. But his situation rings with a single truth; Who we are is defined by how we react to our mistakes. In time, any one person can learn from thier past and become new as a result.

Condemn me, those who will. But look closely at yourself. From what mistakes were you created? What terrible things have you done? None of us are bad people. We are merely humans, and we are all learning.

You can believe anything you like, but here is the simple truth.

I've changed. And if you think so or not, means nothing.

Nothing as powerful as love is worth throwing away, for any reason. Wounds heal. Trust builds. I do not want to try and justify myself, merely move on.

Sara had faith in me. I must continue on in that light, doing everything i can to improve my life, just like i have been.

I can't control what others do, only myself. And here i must try to be as cordial and graceful as i can, and take whatever i get from this. I do not deserve grace, but then... who does?

A piece.

I wrote a piece not too awful long ago which i named "verification", but was later tenatively named "the hope she brings"

It vaugely outlines sort of how i feel as of late, and it exemplifies how i often think of my ex.

Song below.

...

Life is ridiculously unsatisfying. Nothing seems to mean shit, everything is bland and empty and boring. Once again i find myself filling a hole, an impossibly massive pit, with tiny junk. When the one thing that made you happy, kept you sane, and gave life some direction is suddenly gone...

Its tough going back to rice cakes.

And you know what sucks? The fucking radio. I've heard "love song" by The Cure in too many turkey hills since the day we ended. After this emotional skirmish, its even more prominent. It goes something like this:


Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you


And the thing that really sucks is that i do. It doesn't go away. No matter what you do, and trust me, i tried. Hence, the current situation.

She says she still wants me in her life...

*sigh*

Love sucks. sucks. sucks.

And fuck anyone who says i never loved her, or i don't. fuck you. No one has said it yet, at least to me, but fuck you if you did. People who love are capable of fucking up, perhaps simply because they are.

So, once again i stand outside the operation room, waiting for the thing i hit with a car to come out.

ha, hah, sony sucks

some highlights:

Graphically, the games looked a lot better than games on Sony's previous PS2 machine, but they certainly didn't look like a lot of the movies that Sony showed off at last year's press conference. Moreover, games like Warhawk, Resistance, and Gran Turismo HD didn't look all that much better, if at all better, than current games on Microsoft's Xbox 360.

Then came the more surprising and at the same time most disappointing news of all: pricing. ...retail for $499.99 and $599.99, respectively. A US launch date of Nov 17 was also announced.

One very well known game developer told me that it was a surprise that Sony would reveal the pricing for the PS3 at E3. "That was a big mistake," was the game developer's response. A well know game journalist also told me that the PS3 press conference showed that the console was dead in the water. "There will not be a PS4," according to this journalist.

Current Xbox 360 games already look almost as good if not as good as the PS3 games shown at the press conference and on the show floor.

So what can Sony do about this? At this stage there is little that the company can do. The only short term solution is to announce an even lower price for the PS3 but that seems unlikely and it won't affect the fact that their launch title line-up is not looking up to speed.

http://www.firingsquad.com/features/playstation_3_failure/

The bad guy again

Well, long story short and names left out (because i'm not sure who wants to be mentioned and who does not),

I messed up. I'm not very well liked by one or two individuals, i've hurt another individual, and i'm stuck between feeling like a failure and an idiot.

Funny how a mistake defines you. No matter how many good things you do, how many people like you, or the way you are, once you fuck up...

all anyone can seem to remember is the times you fucked up.

So is this who i am? A mistake?

Does a mistake render the rest of a person a lie?

Some people don't trust me. Its funny, because i never lied to anyone... no one asked. In fact, when asked what the truth was, i handed it out readily. In my own time i would have done what was supposed to be done, but apparently my time was wrong.

We can't see past the choices we don't understand, said one oracle to one neo.

All i know is, the longer you are bitter, the more you hurt. I made sure to go to the people who would still talk to me, and apologize.

I messed up. I know that. But i also know that i am not defined by my mistakes, i am defined by how i react to those mistakes.

I accept full responsibility for what i've done, and blame no one but myself for the choices i made. I am sincerely remorseful for my actions, and have genuinely begun to learn from them.

I can not beat myself down. My pain is there, of course. It is more the pain of knowing i hurt someone i love, and less the pain of self pity.

I have to wonder though why everything worked out this way. Everything for a reason, they say. I'm missing something here, i'm just not sure what.

Deep inside, i fear one thing most...

Being remembered for my mistakes and not for who i am.

Most of all, i can't let myself sink to a lower level simply because people look at me and say "well you did this, you must have always been like that. We just missed it."

Anyone who knows me well, knows that the last events are not like me... i struggle to keep from hating myself. I know that hate is a fruitless endevour. i think i spelled that last word wrong. oh well.

I will continue to live my life, continue forward with the goals i have set for myself. One step at a time, all the things i've said i'll do, i'll do. So far, i've not done very bad. Even just having my lovely red grand am is motivating, as petty as it might sound to the rest of the world.

I suppose now is the time life tests the true nature of friends.

I am sorry, everyone, i am a fool. I have a lot to learn.

Super bug.

Beetle with a jet engine. 'nuff said.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2006/04/30/MNGJGII7BB1.DTL&type=printable

Life is learning. cliche.

One last cigartte before i end the day, and what a day.

14 hours of work. Seven landscaping, and seven at the sub shop. Then, a night out with Scot at the diner i have come to love and hate. Its a great escape.

I'm content. My friends are great, people like brandon who are always around. People like Scot W, who remain even after long periods of noncommunication.

People like Sara, who despite everything still speak to me.

Life is not bad at all.

erm...

This is my pointless supplemental post.

Buying a big, cool thing in the near future. also, i will have a car by the weekend. booyah!

end supplemental post.

fuck.