The bad guy again

Well, long story short and names left out (because i'm not sure who wants to be mentioned and who does not),

I messed up. I'm not very well liked by one or two individuals, i've hurt another individual, and i'm stuck between feeling like a failure and an idiot.

Funny how a mistake defines you. No matter how many good things you do, how many people like you, or the way you are, once you fuck up...

all anyone can seem to remember is the times you fucked up.

So is this who i am? A mistake?

Does a mistake render the rest of a person a lie?

Some people don't trust me. Its funny, because i never lied to anyone... no one asked. In fact, when asked what the truth was, i handed it out readily. In my own time i would have done what was supposed to be done, but apparently my time was wrong.

We can't see past the choices we don't understand, said one oracle to one neo.

All i know is, the longer you are bitter, the more you hurt. I made sure to go to the people who would still talk to me, and apologize.

I messed up. I know that. But i also know that i am not defined by my mistakes, i am defined by how i react to those mistakes.

I accept full responsibility for what i've done, and blame no one but myself for the choices i made. I am sincerely remorseful for my actions, and have genuinely begun to learn from them.

I can not beat myself down. My pain is there, of course. It is more the pain of knowing i hurt someone i love, and less the pain of self pity.

I have to wonder though why everything worked out this way. Everything for a reason, they say. I'm missing something here, i'm just not sure what.

Deep inside, i fear one thing most...

Being remembered for my mistakes and not for who i am.

Most of all, i can't let myself sink to a lower level simply because people look at me and say "well you did this, you must have always been like that. We just missed it."

Anyone who knows me well, knows that the last events are not like me... i struggle to keep from hating myself. I know that hate is a fruitless endevour. i think i spelled that last word wrong. oh well.

I will continue to live my life, continue forward with the goals i have set for myself. One step at a time, all the things i've said i'll do, i'll do. So far, i've not done very bad. Even just having my lovely red grand am is motivating, as petty as it might sound to the rest of the world.

I suppose now is the time life tests the true nature of friends.

I am sorry, everyone, i am a fool. I have a lot to learn.