...

*sigh*

Having a shit day and no one to talk to is not something i'm used to.

...

Well, after five days or so i finally worked up the moxy to call Sara. We talked for a while, got ourselves on the same page, and though things are still like they were i feel alot better. I'll hopefully be fixing her computer soon, among other things, which i look forward to.

I slept for two hours last night. five thirty to seven thirty. I randomly ended up talking on the phone for a grand total of three and half hours with two different people, and played lots of Gran Turismo.

After my two hours of sleep, i went immediately to Mr. Stauffers house to do some more garden work. I have a split in the palm of my hand from the last job we did, and it paid me no mercy this time. I kinda hoped we would do some lighter work today.

When we showed up, the first thing i saw was a 1.5 ton pile of topsoil. Today, in three hours, i moved 1.2 tons of it all around that old man's yard. My arms are burning like i had been doing pushups for that entire time.

So far this week i've worked about 35 hours between both jobs, by the end of the week it will be around sixty. I may have an eleven hour shift tomorrow at subway.

Today i'm going to look through some of the things Sara has given me over the year and some odd we've been together. I refuse to let myself draw away from her, to get used to her not being around. As long as there remains a glimmer of hope, i will keep myself loving her more every day the same as always.

I'm actually really proud of her, for taking the time to figure this all out. When i talked to her, she really seemed like she was honestly thinking about the situation, and not just letting us die off. I know she still loves me, even if she is confused as to how and why. Even if she decides to walk away, i trust her and her choice. She is a smart girl, and while i am desperate to have her back in my life, i can't scare her into sticking around. Unless she has the complete and total freedom of knowing i will not hate her, or blame her, or love her any less for whatever choice she makes, its not fair.

...

Well i worked my ass off today. Brandon and i went to one of his grandfather's properties and did yard work till 1pm. We got there at nine. I stayed till 4:15 to keep helping, after all i need the money.

And what the hell else do i have to do.

We worked like insane people. The rings i wear hurt like bitches, but i rufuse to take them off. I got a nasty blister on my hand near the crux of my thumb and forefinger, and it managed to annoy me from 2pm onward.

The day was pretty damn good for the most part. I actually was alone most of the time, and spent it singing the super mario theme song (and all the other mario music) and then going into an hour long scoop-the-poop song. I wasn't scooping poop, but my life lately reflect the idea.

To the tune of "another one bites the dust" (sorta)
Scoop, scoop, scoop
scoop scoop scoop the poop.
Scoop, scoop, scoop
Scoop scoop scoop the poop.
Poop, poop, poop,
Do not poop the scoop
Poop, poop, poop
you gotta scoop the poop.

and then variations like

scoo the poo

or

poo the scoo.

I used to sing it to sara in the car, just to be a retard. Today, it actually made me smile... I have to keep remembering the good things, so this all doesn't swallow me whole.

I love her, i have to keep on waiting like she asked me to. I hate it, and it tears me up inside every day i can't say goodnight or see how her day has been. And i know that somewhere there is some other guy who she is talking to, or maybe friends, or maybe she just spends her days alone. I in the meantime get to feel like i'm sitting outside an operating room thats got our relationship laid out on a table.

I've had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach for days.
It went away while i was distracted today, working and such. But after hours of feeling good for the first time in days, and after i climbed into the car to leave, i reached for my phone. I suddenly remembered that i couldn't call her and tell her about my day... i put my phone away. The old man looked at me and smiled a sad smile... brandon must have told him.

I'm going to miss her birthday...

And carving pumpkins next halloween...

And the summer...

And photos...

I wonder if she is happy without me... or if she misses me...

...

Writing on my wall. Pictures in my phone. The shirt i'm wearing. The shampoo in my shower. The third column of poetry on Brandon's fridge. An account on Vincent's xbox 360. The start page of my browser. A nintendo game on my couch. A fat chicken on my mother's table. A number on my caller ID, which is slowly working its way down the list as new calls come in.

And now there are daffodils growing in my back yard.

...

I've never been so alone.

Sleep is almost impossible. Even in my calmest states i lay awake...

Only exhaustion gets me to fall to sleep. I can't help but feel like i'm just laying my head on the worlds slowest guillitine. If i could, i'd sleep until the answer came...

My only real escape is distraction. But once the people go away or to bed, i'm left alone to my own devices again.

And i lay awake.

I watched a spider traverse Brandon's walls and ceiling the other night. After a half hour, i decided to kill it. I picked up the Gran Turismo 4 case and raised my arm to smite it, and i stopped. "who am i to kill you, spider?" i said to myself. I laid back down.

I've never been so empty, never been this hollow inside.


And despite myself, i still hope...