New look.

Look who?



Enjoy.

Notice some changes? Beware! New site look around the corner. Enjoy the preview bits.


Post code cannibalized (and heavily edited) from Kyle's blog.

Censorship

ATTENTION:

Tonight marks the one and only time i will ever censor this blog. Ever.

Due to the fragile nature of politically correct society, i must remove all direct references regarding a certain individual about whom i have spoken in this blog. I am only doing this because it was DIRECTLY REQUESTED BY MY FATHER.

Yes, this particular complaint was brought to my father's attention, who took a look for himself and asked me (Asked me folks, not told me) to censor the name and refrain from further references.

My father does not have any problem with this blog, my father has the utmost respect for my right to post as i see fit. He has always respected my privacy (although he knows he could read every line i write here and i would not stop writing or tone anything down) and not read this blog. He acted simply because he is my father. When something concerning myself is brought to his attention he sees to it that whatever it is, it is dealt with correctly.


Please let it be known now, i will NEVER censor anything from this blog ever again, regardless of who asks it of me. I will however refrain from mentioning names during angry posts (which i have done in the past, sans mentioning the subject of this censorship).

There is an exception to this rule, however.

If you would rather i mention your name (as i see fit) in my posts which directly concern you, instead of remaining vauge, then please leave it in a comment on this post. ON THIS POST. No e-mails, nothing in the sidebar, i want it in this post so people can come here and see it as proof.

Those who do not give me permission will not be mentioned by name.


You may still be mentioned by other means.



Also, you who are currently being censored from this blog as of tonight, this changes nothing. I know you are here. You simply will not be mentioned. All of my opinions stand. This decision is being made because my father requested it, and ONLY for that reason. Be sure you are clear on this point. I do not regret having made the posts, only that i must change them.


The only change will be the effective removal of the name in question. Everything else will remain exactly the same.




I will not do this again, for anyone, period. So do not ask.

uuuugh


i'm sick. Sick sick sick...

I ate NOTHING today, but i did drink five Vamps in a row.

What is vamp?

Its an energy drink, and it contains the maximum amount of caffine allowed by law.

And now, i'm sick as hell. I played Angelic Mix, and at the end, i almost passed out, i had to get off the pad. my heart rate was ridiculous. When i calmed down, and stood around for about ten minutes, i thought to check it. 115, standing still, calm.

115.

So i saved the other two cans i had for later.



Not only am i sick, but i made a decision today that is A. good and B. sucks.


Being alone sucks. Even when you have a million friends.


*beats head into wall*



Oh, yeah, and i almost forgot:

Hi **** ******! How're you? I hope you enjoy blaming other people for my posting about you in here! Oh, what, you don't think your gossip gets to me? Apparently, you think someone is TELLING me you're reading this. Nope! Wrongo! I found you all by myself, my dear **** ******.


Also, i find it quite amazing that you are discovering all sorts of interesting things out by surfing the internet. Mmmmm, you just have such intuition and insight that you figure out all sorts of things!

Amazing!

Hey, i have an idea, read into this:

The north american woodchuck can become quite violent when approached from the right hand side, or from the west during the summer solstice. In the event that a wombat is present, the woodchuck may begin to tap out the beat to a random Barbra Streisand song. The cabbage should be on the left hand side of the fridge during the height of trout season many forms need to be filled out before the president is a homosexual cat is named franky because i can't see the point is on the end of a pencil in my schedule by teusday or else i might have to be the other side of the river is quite wet when compared to the price of just one chip of paint has fallen into my soup is a great source of many vitamins and minerals which may or may not contain the crowd before it becomes violent videogames are the cause of all teenage pregnacies are on the rise is canada is america's attic even though they think about the time you exacped from prison is the second most capitol consuming monster truck madness is a great way to end the day of my life when you told me i should just go in and get the cabbage from the... hey... where's the cabbage?




With your insight i'm sure that has all sorts of usefull info. Enjoy!

Lets discuss depression for a bit, shall we? What is it? Well, more specificly, what is it to me and why is it my most consistant state of mind?



Let us start this with a questinaire. Simply answer yes or no to the following.


Do you ever...

1. Wake up and stare at the ceiling/wall/window/clock knowing you have a perfectly normal day ahead of you, and as a result feel completely empty?

2. Go to sleep at night only after overanalyzing some random event or statement?

3. Attempt to convince yourself that life is fine, and you're just dramatizing everything without due cause?

4. Have trouble defining the source of your emptiness, although you know you're skirting all the reasons that are most obvious?

5. Feel totally releived by one simple act or word, only to second guess it later?

6. Spend an entire day acting happy and content, only to go home and do nothing constructive at all and let the day die behind you?

7. Seek advice or someone to talk to, subsequently find someone, and then come to the conclusion that it is pointless to get advice or talk to anyone and avoid the conversation?

8. Actually convince yourself you are happy?

9. Think and think and think until you've thought to the point of silence in your head?

10. Find yourself in a group of people when you suddenly feel completely distant, seperated from everyone and everything going on around you, yet you are still offering token responses to converstaion and smiling?




As a generalization, those are a very few of the things i experiance on a regular basis. Also, i become quite the prolific blog poster when i'm depressed.


ok, enough bullshit relation crap...



I feel... empty. thats the only word for it. I do all sorts of things, but i feel empty. I work, i go out and hang around with people, i surf the net, i read my e-mail, i sleep, i listen to music, etc etc. Despite all of this however, i still go to sleep at night intending to sleep as far into the next day as possible. Why wake up? I'll just have to survive the status quo all over again...


I'm completely uninspired. As an artist, i need inspiration to create works of art. As a human being, or maybe just as myself, i need inspiration to live each day in happiness and with purpose. I do not have this inspiration. I have no desire to meet anyone's expectaions, and i have no real direction.

No reason.

200

this is the 200th post in this journal. Not really my 200th post, i've probably deleted some posts, but this is the 200th consecutive post.

So, what should i say in my 200th post?


What could possibly sum up the last 199 bits of nothingness that preceed this?


Simple.


One word description of everything so far:

"Pointless"



(:<


heh heh


AND IT WILL CONTINUE TO BE AS SUCH! ENJOY!

All my life i have been driven by my friends and family to become something. All my life, i have been bombarded with the words "Potential" and "responsibility".

All of the things they consider success i place no value in. I do not care for a great job, or lots of money, or an amazing home to live in, or an education.


The one thing i truly care about, my only real goal, died in me tonight. I've realized that i am incapable of becoming who i want to become. I've failed at each attempt, and i've only served to hurt and disappoint those i aspire to care for and live up to.


I wish i knew where to go from nowhere... i wish i had a goal, a reason to continue this stupid lie of mine. But i don't.


I could become successful in the eyes of everyone...

but myself.


Because no matter what i do, i fall short. I always fall short. I always make that one mistake that cannot be forgiven, that cannot be fixed.


And i'm tired of trying.



But when you see me, i'll smile. And when you laugh, i'll laugh. And when i'm with you, we'll have a good time. And my mask will stay clean and in-tact. I make the best masks. They work beautifully.


If only i had some deep, terrible problems or inner turmoils. If only i had some sort of excuse for being as pathetic as i am. If only it was more than my just being completely ignorant. I wish it were more complex, but its not.


I am quite simply an idiot.

Ok, now i'm pissed.

I just wrote a nice long post here for **** ******, and it died on me, so i gotta start all over. Simpler this time, however...



**** ******, welcome to my little blog. Enjoy your stay, as it seems you'll be around for a while. I would like to encourage you to use the comment system to leave me nice, angry messages in response to my nice, angry posts. Just click the little commentlink at the bottom of each one of these posts, and you can say all the things to me you always wanted to say.

:)

Sound fun? It is! Try it!

Come on, the link is right down here, just click it.


Click it, and leave me a comment.

That is, of course, unless you would rather just hide in the shadows of this here internet and pretend i can't see you.


Or you could actually say something.

Everyone else who hates me manages to, so why not you as well?


There it is, the comment link... click it.

Well, hello everyone. long time no post. And hey, guess what? This post is going to be very angry and morbid and will almost certainly offend you! woopie!


A very special hello goes out to **** ******, if she happens to be reading this. Yes, i can see you when you come here. No, you can't hide it.

And yes, i am as terrible as you think am. I mean, after all, i post this stuff on the internet, so it must be all i am!

anyways

moving on

Life sucks. Wait, wait, lemme rephrase that: Fuck life. There, much more vulgar...


Nothing is going anywhere. Oh, sure, there are plenty of places i could aspire to head towards, but i just don't care. The Bradley Academy for the Visual Arts calls me once a week to try and convince me to come. I dunno why they're so persistent, i never call them back. They caught me today by accident (The number on the ID said Out Of Area, i thought it was Susan) and i was forced to talk to this very nice lady for a time about school, and what i do, and what i want to learn.


I forgot to mention to her that i have a terrible work ethic, i'm a lazy procrastinator, slobby, ignorant, and self absorbed. Maybe i should e-mail it to her....

Dear Ms. Whomever,

I am a loser. Thankyou.



Wait! I hear a single cry of protest! Someone thinks i'm not a loser? Let me elaborate upon this craaazzzy idea!

1. I have no desire to finish school. If i do, i'm not going to college.
2. I don't do my own laundry
3. I don't cook my own meals
4. I work in a stock room
5. I sleep till 3pm every chance i get
6. I write in this blog all the things i should not write in this blog
7. I am not capable of being there for those i care about
8. I'm impossible to help, i take no comfort in anyone's attempts to "cheer me up"
9. I am openly apathetic, though not nearly apathetic enough
10. The word apathetic includes the word "pathetic" which is certainly also applicable
11. I'm uninspired
12. I'm self absorbed
13. I'm immensely hypocritical
14. I'm without direction, or a desire for one


all i all, i'm a class A loser.


woopdee-fuckin-doo.



Aw fuck it. end of post.


Edit: "**** ******" is not Rachel or Susan divitt, but the actual **** ******. **** ****** found this site and harbors a great deal of animosity toward me as a result.

Want to learn how to put a ciggarette out in your hand? Read this!

Extinguishing Smoke in Palm


yes yes, i know, some of you are already angry for my having done this, but i had to make this little blurb, it was just too interesing.

Shut the FUCK up, get the FUCK out, and stop playing the thorn in my FUCKING side.


To Jen: I'm a starving Bobavore
To Kyle: Be yourself, Its who we all appreciate most
To Susan: I'm glad you're around
To Everyone Else: ...



Does this post make any sense?


Nerp.


And yes, i said NERP.



i am reminded of an old post:

Woo! Contradiction! Hey! Fuckall!