THE DEADLY WORLD OUT THERE
and how to protect yourself
by Joe Schell


Its a deadly deadly world out there. You never know when you'll be attacked by rabid flaming ninjas who's soul desire is to remove the fingernails from your hands with kamas made from their previous victims finger shields.

Sometime in the near future you too might be found fighting off the forces of evil, but what with? Will you defiantly pick up your remote and hurl it accross the room? Or perhaps lift the monitor from the desk at which you sit and launch it into your assailant? We need weapons my friends! Weapons with which to fight off the giant santa demon clones from norway!


Headphones are effective weapons against such things as psychopathic cricket players and martha stewart monk zombies. By using them like a grappling hook, one can lodge the headset firmly into the soft reanimated tissues of cricket players and zombies alike.

A good old fashioned pencil will kill many a variety of flaming animal dropping beasts, as well as almost every single prozac abusing high school student. This weapon will not work on any form of deridgible lawyer or conservative menonite satanist.

When one is faced by the errant out of work pop star, the most effective weapon is without a doubt the dreaded afidavitt. With one of these you can do just about anything, and errant out of work pop stars as well as US senators will flee at the sight of them, and even spontaneously combust upon contact.

Also in this league one can find such evil creatures as mall goths and high school cheerleading wannabe slutbags. Most cheerleading squads contain absolutely no actual sluts, just "slutbags", or potential sluts who need to A. lose weight or B. steal some from someone else. The "bag" addtion also describes the extra effort required to kill, erm, stop them. This weapon is called "Antidepressant weight loss energy steroid ginko biloba pill", otherwise known as "Femagra", which was invented by a group of scientists capitolizing on the feminazi occupation of america. Femagra will instantly immobilize and stupify just about everything with breasts, including some fat men.

Fat Man in Small Car is an increasing problem in today's world. In addition to large doses of Femagra, one might want to try Billy Joel or Spice Girl CDs. Thier ear-split factor is so immense that they could possibly shatter the protective layer of fat surrounding the meaty insides of the obese predator.

If you are feeling particularly threatened and require massive firepower, there is only one effective weapon in the arsenal of the safe citizen. Punk Rock. After aquiring some earplugs and level A3i ballistic armor, simply place a Punk Rock (or Emo, or Ska) CD into a portable CD player. Actually playing music from the CD device is not needed, as the mere reading of the information on the surface of the disc sends out huge amounts of debris we like to call "anti-talent particles" or "Death Beams". Only use headphones in the event you must clear a stadium sized area of evil vermin. Set it to a timer and run like hell for the most effective results. In the event that saddam husein breaks out of US custody and re-establishes his reign somewhere (like canada), stereo equipment is... well its definitely overkill but he's saddam for god's sake, so we might as well turn him and his candy ass army into mushy goo.

And that stereo will do it, too.