Xmas time is here... fuck xmas time...

Christmas sucks.

I have NO shopping done.

its the day before xmas eve. woot. I will shop on friday, and buy all manner of cool junk for my family.

With $60 or less


Then i gotta arrange everything in order to get Sara her kickass gift. I'd post it in here... but... she would read it and.. well i'm not that dumb.

not right now anyways.



I'm kinda pissed at mark right now... i told him i had to be at the mall around ten, and he said sure ok. I wanted to meet Sara there.

Nope.


Its 11 and he is STILL asleep.


AFter i woke him up at nine.


Eh whatever... i missed out on shopping with her, that really sucks.



Man i can't even think right... my brain hurts.


Ok, time for the mushy stuff, so if you don't want to wipe shit off your keyboard, do not continue to read.



I have fallen in love with Sara... it took significantly less time than i jad anticipated, but it happened. My last relationship took a very long time, during it i had to learn what love was and how to reach it. This time however, i simply applied all the things i've learned in the past... and now i really, truly, honestly Love her.

No conditions, no strings attached, no hidden fees or mail in rebates. She could do anything she wanted to... make any mistake, go anywhere at all with her life, and i will stand right behind her the entire time.

I am not in this for a girlfriend. Yeah, thats what i call her, but only for lack of a better term. I am in this because...

I believe in her. In who she is. In what she does. She has so many talents and abilities and insights... and she will deny it to the end. She is a brilliant photographer, an artist, incredibly insightful, absolutely gorgeous, extremely supportive, stunningly beautiful, understands my way of thinking, did i mention gorgeous?

She knows why i think the way i do... she tries to understand what she does not get righr away, and she always supports me... period. Its been just under two months since we started seeing each other (known her for about four) and she is already my largest source of strength and hope.

I am through putting only part of myself into my relationships. I am finished just accepting a status quo. I am sick of stupid nothings, and emtpy feelings.


She is my rock.

I need her.



I love her.


My Sara.

The halls ring empty

Ok folks... where did all the angry/happy/peeved/pissed/laughing people go...


the comment system works, somebody use it for christs sake!


I SEE THE PAGEVIEWS GOING UP! I KNOW YOU GUYS STILL READ THIS SHIT!


Anyways...


Things to do list:
1. GET YOUR GOD DAMNED LISENCE
2. Solve apartment problem
3. Find job for immigrant
4. Buy gifts for people
5. Update the scroll box in the corner
6. Get a laptop
7. Recharge Gameboy DS
8. Reactivate phone


well off i go to sleep. i think. my god damned mother is up right fucking now, and needs to go to sleep. i hate being awake up here with my fucking family.

And today is... yesterday? again? DAMNIT!

Life.. is decent.

coming from me that means alot.



because otherwise life sucks. So how is a decent life? Well... take alot of shit and mix in one really, really incredible element, and you have...

hope.

Sara is my hope. I imagine there are some people out there who would just as soon i would fall to my death rather than be happy, and might be a bit upset that Sara is with me, but...

you can't please everyone.


I am happy. really. no really. stop looking at me funny. I really honestly feel happiness. Yeah me... of all people. doom and gloom, life sucks kid is happy. eh well i'm not so morose i suppose... but life is better now than before.


However christmas sucks. hardcore. not enough money to go around... and i have bills to pay, and debt to unincur. is unincur a word? i hope so. because i most definitely just used it like one.



I discussed quantum space time mechanics with some people at the diner. It was interesting... until nobody followed me. Well, mark did after suffcient explanation... the whole if-you-know-the-future-and-tell-me-about-it-and-i-change-my-mind-about-something-does-the-future-change thing. the answer is... no.

but you do.

actually, this event alone spawns billions upon billions of you.

billions and billions of joe.




you may stop crying and clean your pants now.




anyways, it goes something like this...


1. I know the future for whatever reason
2. I tell you what you do in it
3. out of spite, and to make this example longer than three steps, you chose to attempt to change your actions
4. you manage to change your actions
5. in the future i see a new event
6. i tell you about it
7. you alter the future
8. i see the change
9. i tell you
10. you alter it


here we see a problem, a loop. we would constantly be looping back to the point of revelation, where you learn of the future.

assuming there is only one timeline in the universe, we can only end the loop two ways:

1. I do not tell you about the future
2. You do not attempt-to/successfully change it

however, if there are multiverses...


1. I know the future for whatever reason
2. I tell you what you do in it
3. out of spite, and to make this example longer than three steps, you chose to attempt to change your actions
4. you manage to change your actions, and a version of you splits off to live that timeline
5. in the future i see a new event, before the split
6. i tell you about it
7. you alter the future
8. i see the change
9. i tell you
10. you alter it, and yet another split occours


or, in other words

I know that in ten minutes, you will say the word apple. I tell you this, and you say "well, i think i will say orange instead." Ten minutes pass, and you say orange. My past self then sees the future again, where you say orange ten minutes from now. My past self tells you this, to which you reply "Well, i think i will say pineapple instead." My past self sees this, and tells you.

Each time my past self sees the future, and new future spawns, while the old future continues to exisit on a seperate path. Apple, orange, and pineapple are all said and continue on to finish thier timelines. However, every time i see the future, i must create a new past to relate to you, the speaker.


I will write a full document on this (very well explained by scientists and theorists before i ever thought of it) theory. you will like it. trust me.


i gotta go eat some chicken nuggets.






oh, yeah, and...


FUCK.

Good track by Massive Attack. I'm not one to post song lyrics but... eh.. fuck it. here they are.



I seen you go down to a cold mirror
It was never clearer in my era so
You lick a shine upon your forehead or
Check it by the signs in the corridor
You light my ways through the club maze
We would struggle through the dub daze

I see myself in there upon my lover
It's how you go down to the men's room sink
Sad we talk of how madmen think
I see myself in there upon my lover
I don't know her from another miss
I don't know you from another
See me run now you're gone...dream on


Why you want to take me to this party and breathe
I'm dying to leave
Every time we grind we know we severed lines
Where have all those flowers gone
Long time passing
Why you keep me testing, keep me tasking
You keep on asking


Toy-like people make me boy-like
Toy-like people make me boy-like
They're invisible, when the trip it flips
They get physical, way below my lips
And everything you got hoi-polloi like
Now you're lost and you're lethal
And now's about the time you gotta leave all
These good people...dream on

Nicer than the bird up in the tree top
Cheaper than the chip inside my lap top
All the variations you could do with me
Nicer than the girl up in a mind you free


Automatic crystal remote control,
They come to move your soul


You're gonna fade into the background
Like a better smoke'll bring you back round
Like a man slide inside you my dear
Your cheap beer's filled with crocodile tears
See 'em run now you're gone...dream on

Toy-like people make me boy-like
Toy-like people make me boy-like

I found a reason
I found a reason

Dream on
Dream on
Dream on







(and one to reflect my current mood.)








A flask I drink of sober tea
While relay cameras monitor me
And the buzz surrounds it does
Buzz surrounds
Buzz surrounds


Closed eyed sky wide open
Unlimited girl unlimited sigh
Elsewhere
Indefinitely
Far away
Magnifies and deepens
Ready to sing
My sixth sense peacefully placed on my breath
And listening


Keeps me from my hurt


My ears know that my eyes are closed


Perish thoughs like contraband
I train myself in martial arts
As advertised
I reinforce my softened parts
As advertised


See through me little glazed lane
A world in myself
Ready to sing
My sixth sense peacefully placed on my breath


Flickering I roam


And listening
My ears know that my eyes are closed
Ready to sing
My sixth sense peacefully placed on my breath


Flickering I roam


And listening
My ears know that my eyes are closed


I see to bolts
Put keys to locks
No boat are rocked
I'm free to roam
On dummy screens
And magazines


Closed eyed sky wide open
Unlimited girl unlimited sigh


To think that I lay next to you
Wasting time when I could do
A simple job in strip lights
A flask I drink a sober tea
'Till daylight sends me home
Flickering I roam


Daydreaming admiring being
Quietly, open the world
I hear the time of the starry sky
Turning over at midnight
Seen through me little glazed lane
A world in myself
Daydreaming admiring being
Quietly, open the world
I hear the time of the starry sky
Turning over at midnight