Today marks a milestone in the life of Joseph Schell.

This morning at 6:34am my father came to my room and screamed at me to get out of bed. He violently removed the large fan i use to keep me cool during DDR from his way and hurled it to the couch.

My dad never, i mean never loses his composure, never yells, never cracks. Not once in all my my 17 years has he EVER yelled at me, not a single time. My mother can't remember him ever yelling at all either.

He cracked.

He picked my computer keyboard up off the floor and smashed it over the back of my computer chair. He yelled again for me to wake up.

My dad never swears, curses, nothing, ever.

He did this morning though.


Sparing the speech i heard in following, let me just say this: I came to the conclusion that my father is afraid i will make the same mistakes he made as a young man, only earlier in life. I do not see this, but i think he does.

I stood there, listened without saying anything. I don't often break either, unless its with a freind. I very rarely emote what i actually feel. In this case, cold indifference. I'd heard it all before, only quieter. Maybe he thought flipping out would help. Make it a bit more loud, make it a bit more powerful. Well, he managed to do one thing for sure;

I don't plan on talking with him about anything anymore. Not about my interests, not about my life, not about anything. I'll speak when spoken to, and remain curt. for now, at least. I've taken my life into my own hands, and if that means i'm going to drop it and watch it shatter all over the ground then sobeit. I have no fear of failure, i have to qualms about my potential. I refuse to fit into a mold forced upon me. If i must fit into one, let it be the one of my choice.


I'm sorry to everyone who i have disapointed, everyone who i've hurt. There's nothing i can say to change any of that. I feel empty now, drifting. I see faces sometimes, Rachel's and Susan's, Kyle, although mostly nothing. Some people still stand beside me, behind me. But its not the same anymore.

Its not the same.



But don't get me wrong, i am still looking right ahead at what i want to do with who i am and where i'm going. I still have goals and aspirations, i still have dreams and the like. Except they're mine now, completely. For those of you who oppose me, thank you, you give me reason to move on. For those who support me despite everything, no matter what, thank you so much. I can't offer you much in return, except my sincere gratitude and apologies. I am not perfect by any means, and i appreciate the kindness you show me.

So off i go into the world i've created, to deal with the acolytes and beasts contained therein.